Aria Giovanni's Bachelor Cooking Program

Price point: Unsurprisingly Free!

Context: Youtube Channel

Before: So I met this guy Frankie in melbourne, who is probably one of the few (3) people I'd regard as a 'Porn Academic'. We got a bit blazed and talked about our favorite porn stars to which lead to a heated debate that pit (in my corner) Aria Giovanni, an italian softcore bombshell against Sasha Gray (Frankie's corner), who needs no introduction as she's on IMDB.

Anyway so long story short, everybody lost (and won), but a few days ago Frankie sends me this clip of Aria Giovanni 'featuring' in a short cooking segment of a 101 Bachelor program. Proving that she's somewhat past her pent-house and Andrew-Blake 'glory days'(?) but is still acceptable by afternoon TV cooking show standards.

First impressions: The first thing you have to know is that I am allergic to eggs. And so this 101 Bachelor egg-cooking program was particularly relevant to me as I'd never ever actually cooked eggs before. The second thing you have to know is that Aria Giovanni was in 1997 probably the best discovery I'd made after Lynx Africa.

So, I noticed was that she'd put on a few pounds and that the recipes were also all consistently extraordinarily basic, involving things like: How to boil and egg, how to fry and egg,how to scramble an egg, how to use an egg to make tuna salad and how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Which was a bit of a disappointment because I'd hoped that she'd at least have a go at making something a little more... energetic like a loaf of bread or toss a giant caesar?

But sadly it's mainly targeted at college kids who like myself don't know how to cook eggs yet.

During:
It struck me that I'm a lot less judgmental about character and personality while watching porn. Something that I became increasingly aware of during the cooking show - like her voice, it's a little less mysterious than what I'd imagined - I only just noticed that most of her porn is silent!

However I was also a lot less critical of her inability to do simple things that tele-chefs should normally be expected to be good at... like spatula finesse. It was almost kind of cute seeing her struggling a bit, as if she was also just learning to do a sunny side up, and we were shairing a mini-moment like when two strangers find themselves at a common intersection of life, simultaneously helping each other out. Me, her youtube ratings and her, my um, desire to peek at her breasts.

After: Sadly, that feeling didn't last. Neither did my interest in eggs or her. I don't even remember finishing the show. I think I'd just switched windows and left her babbling on the back of my desktop while I wrote this review. I and I was so preoccupied with her that I still don't really know how to cook eggs. Ho Hum. And to think it all started with so much promise.

Total Score: 4/10

Last words: Alas it was one of those clips where the synopsis and freeze-frame is just about all you'll ever need and in this case all you'll ever get out of one of the clips. Sorry Aria, I miss your quieter glory days too.

If you liked this (and fancy something a little more challenging) you may also like:

Coolio's Cooking Show (below) or Andrew Blake's Film 'Aria (2001)'

Panadol Menstrual

The Product:

Panadol Menstrual

The Damage:

$6. This is more expensive than every other type of Panadol except for Cold Relief, presumably because people with watery eyes can’t read the price-tag properly.

The Lie:

Gentle on the Stomach
For Fast and Effective Relief of Period Pain, Bloatedness, Water Weight Gain and Discomforts Associated with Pre-Menstrual and Menstrual Periods

“Discomforts Associated with Pre-Menstrual and Menstrual Periods”? What about the discomfort of bleeding for 4 days?

And I checked the contents: Paracetamol 500mg and Pamabrom 25mg per caplet.

What? I checked their website.

Pamabrom increases renal blood flow and glomerular filtration rate, thus promoting the discharge of urine.

Translation: This makes you pee more. Hooray!

The Experience:

Pink is, of course, every woman’s (and Steven Tyler, who looks like a woman) favourite colour. As a homage to us chickeroos , Panadol has coated its pills in a delightful highlighter pink hue. Hey guys, here’s a thought. Maybe I don’t want to broadcast my period woes to the world. If I really wanted to make every man within a 5 meter radius awkward, I’ll just wave my tampon around on its string, ok?

I supped water and downed two pills as was instructed. As they claimed, it was indeed gentle on the stomach. In between waves of excruciating pain like a fist twisting its way through your intestines, I swear I did not feel a thing.

The Results:

After an hour, my pimples went away and the Middle East stopped mining my scalp for oil. My debilitating backache and cramps disappeared, and the crimson tide retreated. Holy Moses, it’s a miracle!

Except none of that happened, only the gradual subsiding of abdominal pain. It’s just Panadol, guys. Sheesh.

My Rating:

6/10. A painkiller with added humiliation.

BLANK GREETING CARDS - "Lonely Planet images collection"

Price point: $0 - Found in cupboard (Most likely left behind from former housemate). It appears to come in a pack of ten with two varieties; estimated price $10 - $15. This is loosely based on the assumption that cards sold by this organisation are overpriced.

Context:

Borders, uppity card shops in eastern suburbs, Oxfam, Byron Bay.

Before:

Desperation - I needed a card so I went looking for one in my house. I normally have an aversion to cards with flippant life sayings using third world countries as something cheery. I would assume that those Mexicans don't get a commission nor do they condone the saying they have been associated with as they most likely live in squats with their costumes as their only clothing. I've seen photos of Mexicans sleeping sombreros and I don't think it's only for siestas.

First impressions: "This will do"

I enjoy the simplicity of blank cards purely because the front cover has to be generic enough to fit any occasion. This particular card I found could be used for events such as birthdays, deaths, weddings, farewells (my purpose), thank you's, welcoming of a new baby, anniversaries, celebration of a sex-change etc...

With sayings like this I could justify any occasion AND incorporate it in my personal message e.g. ' You are living your live like a song... as suggested on this card.'

Overall, despite the corny nature of positive messages such as these, I'd expect the recipient to not immediately hate it. Goal achieved.

During:

This particular card was not of conventional card size - in fact it would be a cross between a small tag card and a largish novelty card. Smaller cards = less space to write = minimal effort and thought required. The blank insides allowed me to write freely across each page, spacing my lines as I desired without having to write around a generic printed message.

The paper quality was satisfactory however it did not offer any additional appealing qualities i.e. slight sparkly background or pleasantly scented.

After:

I based this on the reaction my recipient displayed. I'm pretty sure she didn't even read the front cover. Some slight facial changes indicated the possibility of her enjoying the combination of the South American tones and general positive vibe the card may have given off. At this point I had little to no emotions attached to this particular card therefore little reflection. On reflection (of my lack of reflection), this may indicate that the card didn't achieve it's intention of inspiring the card giver or receiver; perhaps mission failed. I can imagine the graphic designer behind this card series being a 51 year old hippie who smokes daily bongs and has a sweet deal working from home. I could also imagine a bitter photographer who is angry that his 'art' was used for a fucking card set. As the card set packaging suggested, I did NOT feel connected to countries or cultures by using this product. Disappointment indeed.

Total Score: 4/10

Last words: As cards like this may appear to benefit the third world it exploits I felt slight dirty for using it. A music novelty card would have been more ideal. I suggest cards like these to only be used in similar situations like mine. Stick to $2 shop cards.

If you liked this you may also like: Bongos, products made from African woods or hemp, sombreros, traveling the world 'rough style', Tony Robins and common Confucius sayings.

Index: www.lonelyplanet.com

Poach Egg Pod

Price range : S$29.90 for a pair

Context : Howard Storage World @

Harbourfront

Before : I actually tracked this pod from a lifestyle magazine 3 months before

I bought it. I love poach eggs, and I thought it was a FAB idea if I could make it from home as and when I want it (minus the Hollandaise sauce). And this seemed like the easy-way-out of cooking poach eggs.

First Impression : WAH, $30 for a couple of silicon pods? This better be good!

During : It didn't come with a step by step instruction manual, but common sense told me I had to crack the egg into the pod, than place the pod into a saucepan of boiling water... bubble bubble... the egg turned white, but it took a WHILE to cook through.

After : The final product was (honestly) disappointing. While trying to flip the cooked egg onto my toast, I realize that most of the egg got stuck to the silicon, and hence it didn't come out as a perfectly shaped poached egg. Note: Try to oil the sides next time? But that defeats the purpose of a healthy cooking method. And there hasn't been a 'next time' as yet...

Total Score : 5/10

Last Words : Take the $30 and buy a nice poach egg meal at House, complete with the whole deal, and a cup of coffee.

If you like this you may also like : breakfast and/or brunch

***

Over the last weekend, I decided to try it out again, this time oiling the sides, and it did work! And more importantly, it was yummy. I up the rating to 6.5/10, because I'm still not completely happy it's oil free, like how poached eggs should be.

Arnold's Fried Chicken

Price point: $43.10 for a 3 person set meal (9 pcs of chicken, 1 coleslaw, 1 mashed/whipped potatoes, 1 fries, 3 buns 3 soft drinks & family potato platter)

Context: City Plaza, Geylang (a stone's throw from Ashidiq's house).

Before: Despite eating the remnants of a Cold Storage roast chicken leg at 2am the previous night, I man'd up and prepared to make my cheeks glisten. As an avid, if infrequent consumer of KFC, I was curious to see if the much hyped Arnold's could loosen the Colonel's fibreglass grip on the holy art of fried chicken.

First impressions: Unlike most fast food 'restaurants', we had to actually sit down in Arnold's and wait for the heavy-set Malay waitress to unenthusiastically take our order. Not long after, ceramic plates were set down, setting the stage and the table, for possibly my most gentrified fried chicken experience ever.

During:
First to arrive were the french fries, which made an immediate good impression. Crispy on outside and with enough girth for a fluffy interior. Arnold quickly fired out the potato platter, an arrangement of waffles, crisps and wedges. As the waitress guided the basket past my ear, I am sure I heard the angelic sizzle of hot oil. Next up the coleslaw, which I found too sweet for my liking, but would prove to be vital in offsetting the 12lbs of sodium I was about to ingest. Finally, the main event. Deciding to test Arnold's mettle, I selected a breast, a notoriously dry choice favoured by uneducated Ang Mohs. My fears were instantly allayed by the fact that it far too hot to even bite into. After sufficient cooling, I found the batter light and crisp, and the meat tender, though perhaps lacking some of the Colonel's secret flavour. Luckily, a zingy chilli sauce was on hand to perk up any short-comings. What wasn't on hand however, was enough serviettes to deal with any rogue chicken coating my face. I quickly inhaled my second piece, a drumstick which was a revelation in squirty, umami goodness. In my mind, Arnold hadn't just beaten the Colonel, he'd and some guy he met on Craigslist had held the old gent down and brutally raped him with his own walking stick. Then, successfully beat the charge in court.

After: Hot, succulent chicken which slightly lacked KFC's original batter taste but made up for in freshness. Fries good enough to tempt a 6 year old to get into your rusty, Datsun station wagon.

Total Score: 8.5/10

Last words: Forget finger licking good, I'll happily the nibbling the chicken flavoured skin under my fingernails for the rest of the weekend.

If you liked this you may also like: Drinking melted butter and not letting black people sit at the front of the bus.

DotLiner (tape glue)

Price point : ~ $12 for 10m, ~ $8 for 10m refill

Context : Liane's Papeterie / Scrapbook Design University @ Wheelock Place. Or any major Art supply shops

Before : First they turned liquid paper into tape, and now they turn liquid glue into tape! As a creator of pretty useless art & craft products, the part I hate most is the gluing process; wet patches ruining the final product, liquid glue seeping out from the edges, and even cutting double-sided tape can be a nuisance and ruining my best pair of scissors. So when I saw this displayed at the glue section, I was tempted to try it. Despite the hefty price for such a mundane thing, the sales girl convinced me it was good.

First impressions : As usual, the Japanese have thought of everything from the product design to functionality to user-friendliness. The shape of the product fits in the contour of one's palm. Despite not being able to read Japanese, the 1-2-3-how-to-use diagrams are straightforward enough.

During : The Japanese nor the sales girl disappointed. The glue transfered from the tape to the surface smoothly without any jams (as experienced before with blanco-tape), and required minimal effort from my hand.

After : No regrets. A must-have tool for avid crafters who are impatient and rash like myself. Though it's convenient to use, I use it quite sparingly given the high price.

Total score : 8/10

Last words : Buy the BLUE one if your mounting photos and wish to re-use them again, as it's not as sticky. Use the RED one for more heavy duty matters, it works just like double-sided tape. A safer alternative for the young ones too.

Happy Gluing!

If you like this you may also like : white-out tape, blu-tack and sticky dots

Pokka Genmai Green Tea

Title: Pokka Genmai Green Tea

Price point: S$1.65

Context: 7-11, Cheers, Select and all major supermarkets

Before: there was a 2 Pokka bottles for $1.95 promotion going on and i initially just wanted to get a bottle of my usual Oolong tea when i spotted this new flavour and pink packaging in the fridge.

First impressions: The Jap green tea made a pretty decent beverage in my opinion and I thought the Genmai version might be a darker, expresso version. I was so wrong. I had a rude shock when the liquid swirled into my mouth and it wasn't what i expected at all.

During: It was sweetened (when i expected something more like Oolong tea) and tasted like walnut water (it hardly tasted like tea at all). I actually quite like the brewed Genmai tea that they serve in some jap restaurants but this Pokka version just didn't quite do it for me.

After: Tasted way too sweet, artificial, unnatural and left a sour after taste on your tongue.

Total Score: 2/10

Last words: I guess Pokka was just trying to replicate the success that they had on their Jasmine Green Tea with this Genmai version, but i wouldn't recommend it unless you like drinking nuts.

If you liked this you may also like: Almond Tea, Walnuts, Chinese Tea with sugar

Index:

http://www.hpb.gov.sg/hpb/default.asp?pg_id=2865
http://www.pokka.com.sg/

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pokka-Green-Tea/33650344724

Eye vs. Eye (iPhone app)

Price point: USD 0.99

Context: iPhone application from itunes appstore.

Before: I first chanced across this app during one of those iphone corridor moments (like a chance meeting of show-dog owners) with one of the tech/design savvier colleagues who shared this 'exceptionally well designed', and super esoteric 'Art-director's game' with me. introducing FORMation's EYE vs EYE, a multiplayer iphone game that pits the eyes of two designers/art-directors/color seperators/really bored laymen against each other to closest 'mix' a color using RGB (red, green blue) values. (yes I told you, its not for everyone).

First impressions: I must say that it does an exceptional/unprecedented job of creating a competitive RGB battle/fighter game thing. It and has a remarkably simple and intuitive gameplay format allowing almost anyone (unless you have non-iphone compatible fingers), to easily get into it and give it a proper go. It also looks very slick and if I may say quite 'chic', from the font selections to the pinpoint use of color, it certainly makes your iphone feel a bit more like a Beyond 2000 product for a least a few minutes.

During: The game is surprisingly challenging. And as expected, using red,green and blue spectrums to make a tertiary color can often get a little out of hand, especially depending on the competitive enthusiasm of player two. There are however limits to how many RGB battles you can sustain a person's interests for, and much like the free iphone lightsaber app, it does get a bit "mmm, cool, now what?" after about a minute. I think the longest and most intense game I've ever played was with Eric Foenander (a rather competitive illustrator) and even then we only lasted about 5 ten second rounds.

After: It's not a great feeling beating someone in a RGB battle (unless they're really confident about their abilities and need a good smacking down). And the beat downs can sometimes a feel a bit harsh depending on who you're playing with. However the game does a remarkable job of setting up the stage for an RGB battle, and does look (and play) incredibly slick, not to mention it's a great conversation piece with anyone aesthetically inclined, and does grant you slight bragging rights amongst the designer/iphone application whore crowd.

Still, it did leave me feeling a little hollow and superficial.

Total Score: 6/10

Last words: Also look aout for FORmation's slightly more geeky but less fun Kerning game that plays out like Sextris (sex-tetris) for type-nazis.

If you liked this you may also like: Macromedia Freehand, Helvetica and Beyond 2000

Index: http://www.formationalliance.com/index.php?id=40

Kinder Bueno (White)

Price point: S$1.50

Context: Watson's, Guardian, All major supermarkets

Before: I was feeling light-headed and badly in need of a sugar-rush given the numerous (and extended) stopovers at the comic bookstore, toy shop and computer game shop, thanks to Captain Badass

First impressions: Although a big fan of anything hazelnut and the original Kinder Bueno, I was apprehensive about trying the white version. White chocolate in my opinion is always excessively sweet and contains too much dairy for the cocoa content to leave any magic on your tongue.

During: I felt like Charlie in the chocolate factory peeling away the plastic wrapper, fueled by my curiosity of how my favourite thrift shop chocolate would look in white. I was strangely surprised - it looked like a reverse colour block, with white squares, neatly lined with a speckly coat of chocolate sand. Happy with the fact that it is not completely covered in white chocolate, I greedily took my first crunch...

After: HAPPINESS. This tasted almost as good as the original, while a little sweeter, it still retained the creamy nutty texture and taste that oozed right out when you broke the thin wafer crust. The milk was not overpowering nor was it too sweet. The sandpaper wafer texture was extra crispy and tingling. Each Bueno packet contains two chocolate wafer bars, individually wrapped. I finished my first bar in 3 bites, and shared half of the last bar with Captain Badass while contemplating getting another packet.

Total Score: 8/10

Last words: You're like this if you are big on Hazelnut chocolate and low on blood sugar

If you liked this you may also like: Kinder Bueno Original, Nutella

Index:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoIzyathnjY&feature=PlayList&p=030F34E3BDC31538&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=7
(check out the TVC made....somehow hazelnuts dropping into chocolate gives me a high)

http://www.facebook.com/pages/White-Kinder-Bueno/22742699221
(and yes, there is even a fan page!)

MOTHER (energy drink)

Price point: $3.50 (Australia).

Context: Vending machines at universities, supermarkets, and at both of Adelaide's convenience stores.

Before: Energy drinks have only just made it to Japan (unless you count the vaguely medicinal crushed deer antler tonics from the 'this isn't fun' section of Circle K), and the Japanese don't really go in for the more caffeine=better thing. Red Bull had to bring out a special 200ml can for the Japanese market. As a result, I was feeling somewhat caffeine deprived on my return to Australia. Enter 'Mother', which is the energy drink equivalent of sniffing glue and smoking the bones of the recently deceased.

First impressions: Apparently it's now de rigueur to have all advertising copy written with tongue so firmly in cheek that the self loathing hack who pens it has most likely given him/herself an ulcer. Getting down with the kids is a tricky business these days, and it's a fairly straight path from ironic labels to a skateboarding grandpa with a rainbow wig. The only information required on an energy drink can is how much caffeine it contains, preferably in size 72 times new roman. Furthermore, energy drink cans are supposed be sleek and small enough that you could clip them into a bandolier (to be worn whilst base jumping or some other suitably extreme activity). Nobody eats sugar with salad servers, and nobody needs an energy drink this big.

During: Tastes great with blueberry muffins.

After: I am not particularly caffeine sensitive. I once had four red bulls and then promptly fell asleep, presumably because my body decided to teach my brain a much needed lesson. And yet after drinking two cans of mother in a day, my vision went a bit funny and my frontal lobes felt like soggy cake for the next two days. This may be the drink that finally cures me of the need for caffeine.

Total Score: 4/10

Last words: Drink only if you're Jason Statham.

If you liked this you may also like: caffeine withdrawal headaches, sugar, never going to sleep ever.

Index: MOTHER

THINSKINS - Technical Football Socks

Price point: $12.50 (Australia) for the 'large' size

Context: I got mine from Bailetti Sports. Any decent sized sports shop is a fair bet. There may also be some kind of specialty sock shop that stocks them.

Before: I am now old enough to realize that paying thirty dollars for a pair of socks because they have three stripes or a stylized tick on them is consumer suicide. My sports brand fetishism does not extend to socks.

First impressions: These socks make some pretty bold claims, which, coupled with the picture to the right and the inclusion of the word 'technical' lead me to believe that this is the kind of sock an aerospace engineer would design in his/her downtime.

The packaging helpfully informs me that these socks contain spandex (for added comfort). This marks the first time that those words have been used on a non sex related product. So far so good.

During: Putting on a pair of new socks usually falls within the scope of what I like to call 'domestic ecstasy' (opening mail, unboxing electronics, reading near the fireplace in winter etc.) and these socks are no exception. None of the starchiness usually expected with football socks.

After: I like to think these are the socks that Muji would design. If discerning graphic designers every formed a professional football team, these are the socks they would wear.

Total Score: 8/10

Last words: Resist the temptation to wear these socks in a non sports related setting.

If you liked this you may also like: sport, overly technical everyday items, the marriage of science and design

Index: Hart Sports

Flashpop mini (Blue)

Price point: $2 (Singapore)

Context: At the cashier in most 7/11s in Singapore. This one in particular was purchased at the one on 6th Avenue next to lazy Lizards.

Before: So I happened to wonder into seven eleven for a midnight snack when I chanced upon this... well very sophisticated looking device in the self-standing-candy section of Seven eleven. the giant button beneath the candy was enough to make my brain instantly intepreted as 'OMG OMG an edible light saber!'.

First impressions: Pressing the button and watching the candy light up was enough to get me through (the rather predictable) shitty 'blue-rasberry' flavor, not to mention inserting it into my mouth while pressing the button to watch my cheeks light up in the dark. And yes there are plenty of photo ops with this item.

During: Needless to say, much like the ring pops and lipstick styled pops of my childhood, the flavor and novelty quickly ran out and I never managed to reach the candy coated lightbulb beneath all the blue candy. Thankfully the designers were practical enough to provide a solid lolly-cap case allowing me to save the rest and transport it mess free in my breast pocket.

After: ok, so it tastes like cheap shitty candy and doesn't really excite like a new skittles flavor would, BUT it is the closest thing you'll ever get to swallowing a light saber. Plus it makes for really great clubbing gear, post-drinks amusement and facebook profile pictures. I'd definitely buy it again, just probably not the blue raspberry flavor.

Total Score: 7/10

Last words: best purchased after 8pm.

If you liked this you may also like:

Starwars, Lego Starwars, X-wings, the melbourne shuffle, flavored lube.

Appendix:

http://www.physlink.com/estore/cart/FlashPopMini.cfm

Review framework

The following is a loose framework for reviewing things. Please try your best to include a photo and/or video as well as fill out all the fields. Delete/overwrite parts in italics (if you should cut-n-paste this) parts in Orange refer to fields outside this text box. Have fun!

__________________________

Title: Product's most popular name

Price point: (how much the product cost)

Context: (where to find it)

Before: (What drew you to the product)

First impressions: (Opening the packaging, the first bite/whiff/step)

During: (The product experience as a whole)

After: (Post-product reflections)

Total Score: x/10

Last words: (optional tips)

If you liked this you may also like: (name 2-3 items / expereinces, they don't have to be related or even from the same category)

Index: web URLs or any other reference materials to assist us

Labeling should always include product's name(s) and your score

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