P2K - The Decade in Music (top 500 singles)

Price point: Free (brought to you by Haagen-Dazs, because 'selling out' is not a term that belongs to this decade)

Context: Oh pitchfork, how you've changed. How I miss the days when you'd play around with your shoddy html templates, changing the colour scheme every six months or so. It was a simpler time, when a band like 12 rods could lay claim to the holy grail of music criticism, a 10.0 review (A review which has, along with the original 'top 100 albums of the 90s, mysteriously disappeared from the pitchfork website, because nothing says indie! like a Stalinist purge). Now Pitchfork is arguably the most influential musical publication in the world, with their own TV channel and music festival. A range of scented candles is but weeks away.

Before: A year end (or in this case, decade encompassing) feature from Pitchfork is essentially the michelin guide for music. Something to get worked up about in between repeats of CSI and CSI:Miami

First impressions: In keeping with their post 2004 'We like pop music! really!' aesthetic, there are bound to be a few choices that 'shock' (perhaps akin to licking a not yet dead batter). Also, there's always the chance that Kanye West will rent a fleet of airships to express his disappointment if he doesn't capture spots 1 through 499.

During: Sadly, I quickly realize that my generation !Y! ADD addled brain doesn't really care about tracks 500-101. A mix of well loved singles and staff favourite album tracks, you're sure to ignore them all equally as you scroll down as quickly as possible to get to the top 100.

After: The top 20 reads like a poster for your city's ubiquitous 'indie' night, coming soon to a dank but not too seedy bar near you: ARCADE FIRE | YYY's | OUTKAST | RADIOHEAD | LCD SOUNDSYSTEM | DAFT PUNK. Will the fat DJ ignore your repeated not ironic because you're drunk requests to play 'You're the best'? Almost definitely!

Total Score: 5.5/10

If you liked this you may also like: Music, Lists

Index: Pitchfork's all singing all dancing review of music from the previous 10 years or so

Cat sleeping on your hand while you type

Price point: A trip to Tiong Bahru

Context: Old apartment cat

Before: The prospect of feeling heavy breathing while working. A step up from listening to it.

First impressions: A bit of a drag. But as we all know from Sir Paul, those are famous last words.

During: As you grow used to the idea of weighty yet windy fingers, your writing takes on never before character and a certain gravitas. your choice of words becomes efficient and style minimalistic, lending to your writing punch like you've never seen before

After: Cat drool on your fingers. Subjective. I have a certain fondness for most bodily fluids so it works for me.

Total Score: 7.5/10

Last words: If you've been facing writer's block lately, this could be the boost your flagging career needs. The cat drool is definitely worth a shot if you haven't tried it before. It doesnt discriminate against any. Has a preference for females

If you liked this you may also like: Chunky jewelery.

Daiso Iceball Maker

Price point: $2.00

Context: Daiso - the $2 Japanese department store

Before: About a week ago, I'd inherited a small fridge form a tenant and decided to clean it up and stock it. I was intent on trying to pimp my fridge to a hip-bachelor-pad standard, filling it with 6 brands imported beers, small cartons of sake, sparkling water and individually packed sachets of Ribena. All that was missing was ice. I'd seen quite alot of cool ice trays on Notcot and novelty shops in my time and was bent on finding something a little different for my 'bachelor-pad fridge'. So needless to say when I stumbled across this rather gangster looking iceball tray at Daiso for a mere 2 bucks I bought two.

First impressions: The theory behind the iceball maker is simple enough, fill the lower (larger) tray with water and then push the top moulding tray squarely down to displace the water, insert into cold place and then get excited!

Practically, it's a bit harder, I found myself displacing most of the water each time an never knowing if the ice ball shape had been filled completely, so I ended up taking the slightly over eager approach of just filling the entire device with water and then spilling a whole lot of water on the floor as I jelly-walked my way back to the fridge.

During: So, I was a little excited and couldn't keep myself from poking my head into the freezer every 3 hours to check if my gangster ice was ready for some gangstyle whiskey lay-backs. Sadly though, It hadn't frozen in the first 36 hours and I was beginning to worry.

Cranking the fridge power to 11 seemed to help though, and within another 12 hours I had 6 perfectly solid frozen ice balls. Not to mention they take several hours to melt and thus don't really require any refills.

After: I'd compare the effort of purchasing, freezing, then getting the balls out of the mould roughly to the amount of effort required to assemble a rudimentary ikea cabinet - it's a cheap method, that with a little patience and a lot of slamming gets you very satisfactory results. You may even feel a sense of pride after doing so. but I do question the necessity of such lengths to go to for a good looking glass of whiskey.

Mind you, I have seen the rather cumbersome, and expensive looking alternative, and I guess it's kind of worth it for what you pay.

Total Score: 5.5/10

Last words: Good for the bimonthly poker night, and the occasional bachelor moment but may land you in a domestic disaster.

If you liked this (and fancy something a little more challenging) you may also like:

Japanese Gangster movies, fancy Whiskey, FHM

Nairn's Rough Oatmeal Oatcakes

Price point: $5.50

Context: Cold Storage, Parkway Parade

Before: I'm part Scottish (the spending money part, mostly), so Oatcakes are definitely part of my range of “comfort” foods. I've eaten Oatcakes for just about as long as I can remember, so the discovery of a packet on a Singaporean supermarket shelf is always cause for celebration.

First impressions: Here's a handy little detail, and one which I wish more biscuit makers would adopt; the Oatcakes come wrapped in individual batches of 7, which makes each one much handier as a snack pack or to put on a cheese platter (Oatcakes go brilliantly well with most cheeses).

During: Plenty of texture, and with a nice, nutty flavour. According to the manufacturer, they also make an organic version, as well as a “smooth” version. But I've always liked my Oatcakes the same way I like my women - rough.

After: There really isn't anything quite like an Oatcake. They go with just about anything, are low GI (if that's important to you), high in fibre and full of Scottishy goodness. And these Nairn's ones are a particularly good example of the genre.

Total Score: 8.5/10

Last words: So fundamentally Scottish, a few of these and you'll be slurping single malts and wielding a claymore with the best of them.

Adams No-Stir Peanut Butter (Crunchy)

Price range: About $6.75

Context: Cold Storage, Parkway Parade

Before: The quest for the ‘perfect’ peanut butter has taken on almost grail-like importance for me over the years, so I’m always happy to see a new one on the shelves - and this one promised lower sugars than the Planters and Skippies of this world, so I was keen to give it a try.

First impression: I've bought two jars of this peanut butter. The first one had a rather disconcerting layer of oil on the top of it when I first opened it, so despite being a “No Stir” PB, the first thing I had to do was stir it! However, the second one was perfect, and had a fantastic consistency.

During: Adams has a pleasant texture with relatively uniform ‘chunks’ and spreads well – important if you don't want to destroy your bread (which kind of ruins the whole sandwich-making experience). It also has a lovely, nutty flavour – and certainly isn't too sweet. A quick taste of your ‘old’ Skippy in comparison to this will tell you just how much sugar there is in some of those other Peanut Butters.

After: While not as tasty when added to shakes (there is a benefit to sweeter PBs sometimes), Adams No-Stir is well worth a try. I'll certainly be buying it again.

Total Score: 7.5/10

Aria Giovanni's Bachelor Cooking Program

Price point: Unsurprisingly Free!

Context: Youtube Channel

Before: So I met this guy Frankie in melbourne, who is probably one of the few (3) people I'd regard as a 'Porn Academic'. We got a bit blazed and talked about our favorite porn stars to which lead to a heated debate that pit (in my corner) Aria Giovanni, an italian softcore bombshell against Sasha Gray (Frankie's corner), who needs no introduction as she's on IMDB.

Anyway so long story short, everybody lost (and won), but a few days ago Frankie sends me this clip of Aria Giovanni 'featuring' in a short cooking segment of a 101 Bachelor program. Proving that she's somewhat past her pent-house and Andrew-Blake 'glory days'(?) but is still acceptable by afternoon TV cooking show standards.

First impressions: The first thing you have to know is that I am allergic to eggs. And so this 101 Bachelor egg-cooking program was particularly relevant to me as I'd never ever actually cooked eggs before. The second thing you have to know is that Aria Giovanni was in 1997 probably the best discovery I'd made after Lynx Africa.

So, I noticed was that she'd put on a few pounds and that the recipes were also all consistently extraordinarily basic, involving things like: How to boil and egg, how to fry and egg,how to scramble an egg, how to use an egg to make tuna salad and how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Which was a bit of a disappointment because I'd hoped that she'd at least have a go at making something a little more... energetic like a loaf of bread or toss a giant caesar?

But sadly it's mainly targeted at college kids who like myself don't know how to cook eggs yet.

During:
It struck me that I'm a lot less judgmental about character and personality while watching porn. Something that I became increasingly aware of during the cooking show - like her voice, it's a little less mysterious than what I'd imagined - I only just noticed that most of her porn is silent!

However I was also a lot less critical of her inability to do simple things that tele-chefs should normally be expected to be good at... like spatula finesse. It was almost kind of cute seeing her struggling a bit, as if she was also just learning to do a sunny side up, and we were shairing a mini-moment like when two strangers find themselves at a common intersection of life, simultaneously helping each other out. Me, her youtube ratings and her, my um, desire to peek at her breasts.

After: Sadly, that feeling didn't last. Neither did my interest in eggs or her. I don't even remember finishing the show. I think I'd just switched windows and left her babbling on the back of my desktop while I wrote this review. I and I was so preoccupied with her that I still don't really know how to cook eggs. Ho Hum. And to think it all started with so much promise.

Total Score: 4/10

Last words: Alas it was one of those clips where the synopsis and freeze-frame is just about all you'll ever need and in this case all you'll ever get out of one of the clips. Sorry Aria, I miss your quieter glory days too.

If you liked this (and fancy something a little more challenging) you may also like:

Coolio's Cooking Show (below) or Andrew Blake's Film 'Aria (2001)'

Panadol Menstrual

The Product:

Panadol Menstrual

The Damage:

$6. This is more expensive than every other type of Panadol except for Cold Relief, presumably because people with watery eyes can’t read the price-tag properly.

The Lie:

Gentle on the Stomach
For Fast and Effective Relief of Period Pain, Bloatedness, Water Weight Gain and Discomforts Associated with Pre-Menstrual and Menstrual Periods

“Discomforts Associated with Pre-Menstrual and Menstrual Periods”? What about the discomfort of bleeding for 4 days?

And I checked the contents: Paracetamol 500mg and Pamabrom 25mg per caplet.

What? I checked their website.

Pamabrom increases renal blood flow and glomerular filtration rate, thus promoting the discharge of urine.

Translation: This makes you pee more. Hooray!

The Experience:

Pink is, of course, every woman’s (and Steven Tyler, who looks like a woman) favourite colour. As a homage to us chickeroos , Panadol has coated its pills in a delightful highlighter pink hue. Hey guys, here’s a thought. Maybe I don’t want to broadcast my period woes to the world. If I really wanted to make every man within a 5 meter radius awkward, I’ll just wave my tampon around on its string, ok?

I supped water and downed two pills as was instructed. As they claimed, it was indeed gentle on the stomach. In between waves of excruciating pain like a fist twisting its way through your intestines, I swear I did not feel a thing.

The Results:

After an hour, my pimples went away and the Middle East stopped mining my scalp for oil. My debilitating backache and cramps disappeared, and the crimson tide retreated. Holy Moses, it’s a miracle!

Except none of that happened, only the gradual subsiding of abdominal pain. It’s just Panadol, guys. Sheesh.

My Rating:

6/10. A painkiller with added humiliation.

BLANK GREETING CARDS - "Lonely Planet images collection"

Price point: $0 - Found in cupboard (Most likely left behind from former housemate). It appears to come in a pack of ten with two varieties; estimated price $10 - $15. This is loosely based on the assumption that cards sold by this organisation are overpriced.

Context:

Borders, uppity card shops in eastern suburbs, Oxfam, Byron Bay.

Before:

Desperation - I needed a card so I went looking for one in my house. I normally have an aversion to cards with flippant life sayings using third world countries as something cheery. I would assume that those Mexicans don't get a commission nor do they condone the saying they have been associated with as they most likely live in squats with their costumes as their only clothing. I've seen photos of Mexicans sleeping sombreros and I don't think it's only for siestas.

First impressions: "This will do"

I enjoy the simplicity of blank cards purely because the front cover has to be generic enough to fit any occasion. This particular card I found could be used for events such as birthdays, deaths, weddings, farewells (my purpose), thank you's, welcoming of a new baby, anniversaries, celebration of a sex-change etc...

With sayings like this I could justify any occasion AND incorporate it in my personal message e.g. ' You are living your live like a song... as suggested on this card.'

Overall, despite the corny nature of positive messages such as these, I'd expect the recipient to not immediately hate it. Goal achieved.

During:

This particular card was not of conventional card size - in fact it would be a cross between a small tag card and a largish novelty card. Smaller cards = less space to write = minimal effort and thought required. The blank insides allowed me to write freely across each page, spacing my lines as I desired without having to write around a generic printed message.

The paper quality was satisfactory however it did not offer any additional appealing qualities i.e. slight sparkly background or pleasantly scented.

After:

I based this on the reaction my recipient displayed. I'm pretty sure she didn't even read the front cover. Some slight facial changes indicated the possibility of her enjoying the combination of the South American tones and general positive vibe the card may have given off. At this point I had little to no emotions attached to this particular card therefore little reflection. On reflection (of my lack of reflection), this may indicate that the card didn't achieve it's intention of inspiring the card giver or receiver; perhaps mission failed. I can imagine the graphic designer behind this card series being a 51 year old hippie who smokes daily bongs and has a sweet deal working from home. I could also imagine a bitter photographer who is angry that his 'art' was used for a fucking card set. As the card set packaging suggested, I did NOT feel connected to countries or cultures by using this product. Disappointment indeed.

Total Score: 4/10

Last words: As cards like this may appear to benefit the third world it exploits I felt slight dirty for using it. A music novelty card would have been more ideal. I suggest cards like these to only be used in similar situations like mine. Stick to $2 shop cards.

If you liked this you may also like: Bongos, products made from African woods or hemp, sombreros, traveling the world 'rough style', Tony Robins and common Confucius sayings.

Index: www.lonelyplanet.com