MOTHER (energy drink)

Price point: $3.50 (Australia).

Context: Vending machines at universities, supermarkets, and at both of Adelaide's convenience stores.

Before: Energy drinks have only just made it to Japan (unless you count the vaguely medicinal crushed deer antler tonics from the 'this isn't fun' section of Circle K), and the Japanese don't really go in for the more caffeine=better thing. Red Bull had to bring out a special 200ml can for the Japanese market. As a result, I was feeling somewhat caffeine deprived on my return to Australia. Enter 'Mother', which is the energy drink equivalent of sniffing glue and smoking the bones of the recently deceased.

First impressions: Apparently it's now de rigueur to have all advertising copy written with tongue so firmly in cheek that the self loathing hack who pens it has most likely given him/herself an ulcer. Getting down with the kids is a tricky business these days, and it's a fairly straight path from ironic labels to a skateboarding grandpa with a rainbow wig. The only information required on an energy drink can is how much caffeine it contains, preferably in size 72 times new roman. Furthermore, energy drink cans are supposed be sleek and small enough that you could clip them into a bandolier (to be worn whilst base jumping or some other suitably extreme activity). Nobody eats sugar with salad servers, and nobody needs an energy drink this big.

During: Tastes great with blueberry muffins.

After: I am not particularly caffeine sensitive. I once had four red bulls and then promptly fell asleep, presumably because my body decided to teach my brain a much needed lesson. And yet after drinking two cans of mother in a day, my vision went a bit funny and my frontal lobes felt like soggy cake for the next two days. This may be the drink that finally cures me of the need for caffeine.

Total Score: 4/10

Last words: Drink only if you're Jason Statham.

If you liked this you may also like: caffeine withdrawal headaches, sugar, never going to sleep ever.

Index: MOTHER